Monday, January 18, 2010

Take an Advil and call me in the morning

I woke up with a migraine this morning.  It has been happening a lot lately.  I can only imagine it has something to do with the pregnancy, much like the zits that sneak up on me lately.  I was told that Taylor had a nightmare last night, and it has me thinking that real life can be scarier than your worse nightmare sometimes.

Someone I care about, that I've cared about for a very long time, has once again fallen into the clutches of drugs. I was told that his drug of choice this time, rather than crystal meth, is cocaine.  I want someone to blame. I want to blame his father.  His father is a speaker against drug use, very high up in the police department, so he knows how this all works. He cannot use the naive approach as far as I am concerned.  So, why did he take his son out to a bar on his 21st birthday when he very well knew his son was a recovering alcoholic/drug addict? Doesn't he know that his son can't even have just a little bit?

I want to blame his best friend. Every time his best friend is around the addict seems to be brought back to life.  This person I care for had everything going in the right direction. He had a wonderful girlfriend, an awesome full-time job, a great demeanor, a car, money in his savings, and he was living on his own. Then all of a sudden he has a "friend" moving into his house and he starts exhibiting his old behaviors again.  Come to find out this "friend", whose identity he did not want to disclose to us because he knows we know they are trouble together, is his best friend and they are doing drugs together again.

I know I need to blame him. I need to blame him for choosing to live near his old stomping grounds. He was never 100% ready to give up the old demons otherwise he would've run as far as he could've from his past instead of setting up house right in front of it.  His sobriety is like a roller coaster. You never know where he's at. Even when he's better all you can think is, "I wonder if it'll stick this time." And it is horrible because there is nothing you can do, as a speculator,  to keep it from coming.  All you can do is watch in horror as the beautiful soul crumbles under the power of drugs and alcohol.

Sometimes it feels easier to just say good-bye right now.  That way when you get the phone call at 3 a.m it might not hurt as much. Then again, maybe it will hurt even more because you know you haven't tried as hard as you could to stop it.

On a slightly lighter note, I thought I'd leave off with a small survey I stole from Angie.

Symptoms: Headaches and some pulling & stretching in my abdomen.

Total weight gain: I'm still down about 5 pounds.
Maternity clothes: I use maternity shirts but my jeans are stretchy so they still fit pretty well. :)

Stretch marks: Only from my last pregnancy so far.. but I know how well that goes around the last 3 months.

Sleep: I sleep very well on the weekends when Papa takes Taylor. I am waking up at least once a night to pee.

Best moment last week: Probably something I'd been craving and finally got to scarf down. 

Movement:  I think I have been feeling flutters here & there.. but that could just be gas.  Who even knows?

Food cravings:  I dunno. It changes all the time.

Belly Button in or out: Still in but not for long. With my son it popped out around 16 weeks.

What I miss: Over easy eggs!

What I am looking forward to: January 28th when we find out if Baby G is a gal or a guy!

Milestones: Popping!

How is daddy? Daddy is starting to feel better about the whole thing. He was worried about finances but I think he's starting to understand that God will provide. 

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